Young Adults and Divorce?

Week 12

So the final week of class covered a very sensitive topic for me and my family - Divorce.

Divorce can be an extremely painful process, and quite complicated ranging from reasons for divorce and results of divorce (influences on individuals emotionally, physically, financially etc).

Something that has been frustrating me lately though has been the lack of information on children of divorce. In particular those in late adolescence and early adulthood and the effects it has on them.

I want to know my chances of divorce if my parents were? Will I continue the negative/ineffective coping strategies my parents used? How will I find security in my future relationships? How can I avoid what seems to me at times to be unavoidable? How can I better support my family in times of difficulty like this?

All these questions come to my mind when I think of divorce and its effects, or rather the effects I wonder about.

I think its very important to focus not just and what is wrong in a relationship, but what helps other relationships be successful?

I would like to quote 4 points from President Kimball (previous leader of the Latter-day Saint church)  Pres. Kimbal stated 4 points of Marital success:

1) The Careful selection of a Partner (dont just jump into it, but study it out)

2) Great Unselfishness (selfishness is the leading cause of misery in our world)

3) Continued Courtship & Expressions of Affection (Its more than to just know you love them, tell & show them you love them)

4) Commandments - (do what you know to be right)

I think that these 4 points provide a good structure for maintaining a strong marriage. Of course there are several other factors, but we should all search out reliable sources, study them out and do our best.

Parents Not Parenting???

Week 11 True Parenting

So what is Parenting? Why do we have it?

The role of parenting is to protect and prepare our children to survive and thrive in the world around them.

Children are master imitators, the majority of what they learn, the foundations of their lives, come from their parents.

I find it disturbing to live in a world where there are parents that want their children to "choose for themselves" and so they don't educate their children about drugs, or sex, or anything. Some parents have even gone to such extremes as not wanting to label their son or daughter as "him" or "her".

Such lack of foundation from parents is abusive to the child.

The whole point of parenting is to help provide a foundation for children to build upon. I find it quite ironic that some people want their children to "choose for themselves" -- without providing them the necessary education to make a choice. If a child isn't raised by their parents, they will be raised by someone or something else. Either way they will be learning, but when that lacks structure chaos and so many avoidable hazards can follow.

Of course there are many challenges to be being a parent, its a selfless service. But when you do your best, always considering the needs of the child and how to improve the family life, you will find joy.

The Diminishing Role of Father

Week 10 Is the world losing the role of the Father?

So we were asked to do a paper on Fatherhood, and after much research, I see how immensly significant the role of a father is. I believe that the role of Father and Mother are very distinct and essential. They complement eachother.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where the role of both Father and Mother are being degraded, diminished and downplayed in their importance and significance. Women are told that their roles as mothers are below them, or not as important as pursuing a career and other similar goals. All the while, women are being pushed into a more masculine role, the men are having it taken away from them. The role of men is becoming so diminished, of their value to provide and protect and care for their families, that they are sometimes seen as no more important than for reproductive purposes.

How sad.

Truly.

All of this has been happening over the past one or two centuries, and while there is good (increased freedom and equality) -- we should not diminish the value of a father in the family. The relationship between a father and a mother will show their children examples of social interaction as well as how romantic relationships should work. The main indicator of children living in poverty is whether or not there is a father in the home. Not a father figure, but an actual father. Children growing up are more successful and secure when there is good father in the home, as well as women/wives will have more esteem and less stress when they have good relationships with their spouses.

Its so important that we strive our best to maintain the wholesome truths of Fatherhood roles while we grasp new and true concepts in today's developing world. If we don't we will surely be in a sad state indeed.

Receiving and Dealing with Conflict

Week 9

I loved this week in class! Ironically I had been having some pretty serious problems with one of my roommates this week (all is resolved now though :) ) mainly because of poor communication. And that is exactly what we covered this week! Don't you love it when that happens?

I have mentioned in previous blog posts the importance of communication. I believe that most of the contention that occurs in any social interaction comes often from miscommunications.

We all need to be clear - we need to express ourselves in clear respectful manners with whomever we interact. Lately I have been trying to figure out how to be less passive and more assertive in situations - and I think something that is so important to remember is that 1) You should be respectful 2) You have the right to be shown respect.

If we let something eat us up inside and don't say anything to the offender, is it really right to wait until we blow up at them? No! Of course not. Not only is this an unpleasant experience for both parties, but it is incredibly ineffective. I mean, how well do you communicate when you are in freak-out-mode? Not very.

Instead, something that I find to be effective, is if something bothers you, and you don't think that you can control yourself in the moment. You don't have to.  You don't have to address it until you are cooled down, and that is perfectly fine. Stupid things happen when people react to things.

We are meant to act, not be acted apon.

This is an eternal principle.

I also think it is important to make a sincere and honest effort to see and understand the other person's perspective. When this happens you may have an increase of love and appreciation for them and their views. I believe that every argument has some degree of truth in it - I mean if it were all completely false, there would be nothing to argue would there? It's for us though to discern  what is the true principles and what is human error.

There is a scripture that I believe is a wonderful example. It is piece of scripture from the Latter-day Saint faith:

" Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterward an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death." (Doctrine and Covenants 121:43-44)

I think that this scripture is a perfect model because, when looking at the definitions for the vocabulary used, the model given is this:

1- Correct or encourage betimes (at the appropriate time) with sharpness (precision/clarity/directness)

2 - when moved upon by the Holy Ghost (not just because of your pride, or anything like that, but when you feel truly impressed to act - in love, not anger)

3 - Show an increase of love toward him. (I believe this is mentioned because we should still love the individual. We don't have to approve of all behaviors or actions, but we should love the person.)

I just love this because in the end we are promised stronger bonds and friendships -- to know that our love is stronger than death.

How to succeed (or just keep going) when times are rough

Week 8 Crisis in Families

Life is not perfect, that is clear. But every now and then we will all experience a crisis. It's not something that is pleasant but I do believe that it is something that will either make us weaker or stronger. But how do we determine if it will make us weaker or stronger?

I don't think that it is up to our circumstances to determine whether we succeed or fail. But rather, it is our actions in these times of trial that determine our destiny.

For me, during the past year, life has been especially difficult. I would say that it has been full of several different crises. This has ranged from moving back to from 19 months in France, there's culture shock. To adjusting to normal civilian life (in comparison to being a full time proselyting missionary) as well as having to rebuild my own circle of friends. To moving 7 months later to a new city away from family and friends as well as starting college again for the first time in about 3 years. As well as significant ongoing family stressors that have severely affected every member in my family.

Life has been hard.

But how do we keep going? How can we be resilient when it seems like everything we do is an uphill battle, or we can't imagine it possibly getting better?

I think we need to choose to not get overwhelmed. Before I left on a mission for my church, a friend told me (who had also served a full-time mission) -- "You're not perfect, and God's okay with that. He just asks you to do your best."

I love that. I think there is so much good that comes from simply acknowledging that you can't control everything, and that whatever you are doing, as long as you are trying, it's a good thing.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and in times of trial it can be hard to keep that perspective. I think something that is essential is to not turn inward towards yourself and your own problems - but to really focus on uplifting and building the world and others around you. When we do this, our burdens may not seem so bad, or we might even see all the good things in our lives too. We will receive joy and fulfillment and grow as individuals.

Don't forget that everything comes to pass eventually and we just have to take the most advantage of the things that we are given.

The Sacredness of Sexual Intimacy

Week 7 The importance of sexual intimacy

How important is sexual intimacy? I believe that sexual intimacy, no matter what, will have an lasting effect on the individuals involved. Whether this be good or bad. Sexual intimacy is something so private, so personal, such an intimate part of one's being, that it would be naive to think that it does not have some sort of effect.

Sexual intimacy is something that, when used properly (Marriage) and with consideration for the other, can enhance intimacy in the couple and bring them closer together. However, when it is abused (outside of marriage, recklessly etc) this is a time where your very soul, as well as the other involved, may be damaged and hurt.

I understand that this is a very sensitive topic, but I would like to state my beliefs that sexual intimacy is something sacred created by God to not only bring life into this world, but to bring a husband and a wife closer to one another and closer to God. When it is practiced anywhere outside of the bonds of marriage, or even improperly within marriage (abuse etc), the individual will have damage inflicted on a part of themselves. Whether this be emotional pain of physical repercussions.  The act of sex is something that is too sacred just to throw around anywhere.

I wan to be clear that I don't think that sex is something that is bad. But I do think that it is something that is so incredibly sacred that it should be safeguarded until the time is right.

Important points in preparing for marriage

Week 6 Marriage

In my last entry I talked exclusively about courtship and dating. This week we talked about Engagement & Marriage. I will share with you some things that I found particularly interesting and valuable.

There was a comment made that said:

"A lot of people spend more time planning the wedding than planning the marriage."

I feel like this statement is oh-too-sadly true. Especially in today's generation of instant gratification and impulsiveness it is too tempting to not discuss real issues or dynamics that will be essential in a marriage.

We talked about how you shouldn't wait until you're married to discuss your lifetime goals with your spouse. I think this is especially important because if left unattended to, both members of the couple could find themselves in severe conflict and disappointment after the big day. An example would be the number of children, when to have them, how to discipline etc. As well as financial discussions. (Note: a major influence in divorces today is related to finances)

Not only is it important to take care of one another and talk things out as a couple before you're married - but continue courtship and making sure that you separate yourselves as you're own family is essential for marital success as well. The in-laws can love each member of this new family, but its so important for the couple to establish themselves as their own unit, their own family to make decisions and grow together  and not with the nosy mother-in-law.

I also mentioned continued courtship. This is something that I have witnessed lacking in my own family & I know how it can negatively affect a child's perspective. This is something quite dear to me, so I will just leave you with one citation from my notes that I thought particularly inspiring:

" The quality between the relationship of Husband and Wife will determine how high a family can rise."

So please take this in consideration as a family, whatever level of progress you are in, and apply it. Your life will be so much better for it.

Dating vs Courtship... whats the difference?

Week 5 Dating and Courtship and Your Future Relationship

 So this week we talked a lot about preparing for Marriage. I guess you could say that this is the stage my life is in right now, so I find it rather interesting. I think that its important to note not only the different stages of relationships, but also how we become attatched.

As far as everyone's love live's go,  there is 1) Dating, 2) Courtship 3) Engagement 4) Marriage.

I think much of today's relationship problems start out right in the beginning. I had a discussion with my professor and some other classmates about this. It seems that now a days people confuse Dating and Courtship with one another. Dating is to go out with people to get to know them and get to know what you want. Dating is not something that is exclusive to one person. Its something that can be very beneficial, because the more dating you do, the more you can learn about yourself, and what you want in a future relationship.

However, the problem has arisen that people think of dating as something quite exclusive between two people. I would like to correct everyone and state that once it becomes exclusive between a couple, they are not in stage of dating, but a stage of courtship.

So why would it matter? Well besides the fact that you're depriving yourself of various valuable experiences with different people, we should look at how people fall in Love, or become attached to one another.

In the RAM Attachment Model, there are 5 categories: 1)Know, 2)Trust, 3)Rely, 4)Commit, & 5)Touch.

It is important that each of us understands that from 1-5 as far as steps advance and such, 1 should always be at a higher level than 2. 2 Higher than 3 and so on. That means that physical touch, or sexual intimacy should be the lowest in comparison to the rest. I relate this because when an are out of balance, problems can occur. The more out of balance it is (the more advanced steps you do without their predecessors) the more you will be thinking emotionally - and the harder it will be to think clearly.

That is why it is so important, for example, with Dating vs. Courtship that we do not mistake the two. Dating helps us to get to know someone, and surely you must know them more before you can put trust in them.

I believe that all of this is important to take into consideration because the patterns we establish in Dating and Courtship will determine the quality of our marriages and lives.

So take care of what you do. Dont go to fast, but do all things in the right order.

Mixed Messages and Communication

Alright, I realize I've fallen behind on my blog, but I truly want to submit a meaningful entry for each week. So - as I review what i've learned I will share my thoughts with you all for each topic of each week. Thanks to all of you who have taken the time and consideration to read my blog. Let me know if you have any thoughts yourself about what I've said, or the topics discussed, I would love to hear from you! :)

Week 2  Symbolism in Communication and Structure in Family Dynamics...

So, this week I got to learn about all the different ways and reasons why people interact the way they do, as well as understanding better family structure and Dynamics. One of my favorite theories of all that we studied is the Symbolic Interaction Theory. This really hit home for me and I'll tell you why.

This theory is taking into consideration that everything we do or say as we interact with one another has a symbol or some underlying message. I can think of the example of a Mother whispering to her child in a library to show them and send them the message that they need to be quiet. Because we are all from different family cultures and backgrounds, we may have different symbols or associations of messages that we relate to certain actions. This can cause confusion and misunderstandings, among other things.  For example: my teacher washed the dishes for his wife to be kind, but she got upset. The mistaken symbolism was that while he thought he was being thoughtful and kind for his spouse, his wife on the other hand thought that this was his way of stepping up to show her she wasn't fullfilling her roles.

That is a perfect example of confusing the symbolism, or message of someone's actions.

I really liked this because over my life I have interacted with many people, and I believe that clear communication is essential. But if we aren't aware of the possible messages we are sending or receiving, we may be missing a big part of the picture.

So what is my conclusion in how we should act to avoid confusion? I think that whenever we might get offended, or confused, its important to talk it out with the other person. Get it out in the open, so both parties can understand. I mean I dont think most people sit there and think "hmmmm I'm going to ruin your day..." Rather, much of the conflict and confusion that arises in our interactions with one another is from simple miscommunication.

So everyone, lets choose to look at the good, doubt the bad, and when we're doubting, communicate.

Is Gender Equality really Equality?

So this past week in my class - we talked about the significance of gender roles. Since the beginning of human history in different cultures across the world, Men and Women have had different roles. The Role of protector, the role of leader the role of nurturer. Since the feminist movement, the world, especially the united states, has been seemingly fixated with the idea of "equality" between the sexes.

I understand the importance of equal opportunity between men and women. In fact, I believe that regardless of sex, race or nationality - the same standards should apply in whatever situation, to all individuals. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean that rules should be bent to make it easier for individuals to get into competitive fields just because their different - that is not providing equal standards for all - but everyone should be on the same level playing field and have to work hard for what they want.

So how does equality apply to gender? Why am I talking about equality when it comes to gender? For me, I feel that the idea of "Equality for all" has gone a bit too extreme. It has gone from trying to obtain equal rights between the sexes, to the point that the world is pushing women to "escape" from the nurturing role of mother and take the role that men have classically had, making the men in the world for the most part expendable.

My perspective on this is that the world has begun to diminish and even destroy the value of classic male and female roles. A woman may even be looked down upon for choosing the role of a stay at home mom. She may have been seen as forfeiting her dreams - of being uneducated or lacking ambition. Either way, today's world has looked down on the classic role of a wife and mother.

But what happens to the role of the man in this situation? Well - simply put, women are replacing the roles of men, as the breadwinners, providers and even protectors. When this happens, the man's role in the family is little more than a sexual partner to satisfy lusts and procreation.

Its quite a sad situation, the world that we live in today, where we've focused so much on equalizing the sexes, that we've forgotten or even demeaned the beauty and value of their unique differences. I have found so much beauty in the different traits and roles between men and women. Men and women, when we look at the classic relationship, was a trust or bond that led the man and woman to compliment each other's natural character. It's a beautiful thing.

I am for equal opportunities for men and women in the world - but I am against men and women being looked down upon or pressured by the world into fulfilling roles that may or may not be natural to them. Eveyone has the right to choose, but no one should be pressured one way or the other. I think its important that we keep in mind the positive effects that either side gives us.

Does Same-Sex Marriage Really Affect Children?

     There have been so many studies over the years regarding different family systems, in particular the effects of different families on children. These studies are measured by correlations between different family structures and the success of children in various areas such as: education, drug abuse, chances of being physically abused, and even success in future relationships with divorce rates.

      For example, families with both the mother and father married in the home statistically do much better overall in categories. While in homes without the father present, (ex: Single mother homes, foster homes, and/or living with extended family) tend to have much higher rates of poverty, crime and abuse. However, this does not mean that if you are a single mother that you are going to be guaranteed failure for the upbringing of your children, as well as all mother-father homes are guaranteed success. Nevertheless, one must acknowledge the fact that the family structure in which a child is raised does have a significant impact on their success in the future. Even the very race and ethnic background of a family seems to present patterns to children's general development.

    More recently debates have arisen regarding same-sex parenting. Various studies have claimed that there is no difference between same-sex marriages and mother-father marriages on their effects on children -- but not only has it been revealed that the majority of these studies have had very small study groups - limiting the accuracy of their findings, but they have a large chance of biases as well.

   I believe it is thoughtless for anyone - no matter their moral position - to assume that ANY change in the family structure, especially something that has never been done within past generations,  will have no effect  the development of the children in the said family structure. I base this upon the fact, that all other research indicates variation, the majority negative, within family structures that are NOT the mother-father married model.

Recent studies have pointed out the flaws in research done on same-sex marriage, as far as biases go. While, now new studies are beginning to show that perhaps negative effects do take place (perhaps even taking a spot statistically lower than single-mother homes)  -- but their has simply not been enough research on the issue, and non-biased organizations, need to carefully tract information.

I believe, like all other variations in the family from the traditional model (mother-father marriage) -- same-sex marriage will have a negative effect on upbringing of children. But who's to say where it will fall, or how different it will be from any other 2 parent home. That is why more research must be done on the issue.

Ignorance is Bliss?

Well - hello everyone, so I am in a Family Relations class, and actually we haven't been starting out studying too much directly the family relations themselves, but our instructor has been educating us regarding how to study and how to know if various sources of information (research, papers, studies etc) are valid and trust worthy. 

I was wondering this the other day actually, of WHY we were learning what 'faults' to look out for in other's research -- rather than studying the information given to us... You know what? I am so grateful for that! That we are being taught that, to recognize how studies can be biased, intentionally or not. But not only that, to take into consideration an awareness of our own personal biases. 

Whether or not you are 'left winged' or 'right winged' when it comes to family studies - if you are deliberately biased, from my perspective, you are so much more hindered for the future. It doesn't matter what end of the spectrum you are on - what matters is that you educate yourself about BOTH perspectives, and then, using your free agency and choice, you will be able to choose the best side for yourself.

We are not supposed to be sheep, just following some random shepherd and never asking questions - no, no, no - we should be intelligent human beings, use our God-given abilities to think and learn and study issues out in our minds. That  is how we gain real freedom. Without it, we would just be like dust in the wind, being blow about in whichever direction the world around us seems to go. 

I do not want to be some fleck of dust on the wind. We've seen far too many historical situations where groups of people blindly followed some persuasive leader to their own personal destruction - just because that leader was gifted with charisma or eloquence.

Ignorance is not bliss. Ignorance only enslaves & subjects those individuals who do not know better.